even my farts smell like vagina
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
