the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize