the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
