I hate your face
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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