I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
only you would photoshop your dick
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
