I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
