He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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