drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
