He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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