My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
