I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
