i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
