I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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