they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
