Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
