If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
