My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
