my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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