party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
