right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
