my phone needs a breathalizer
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
