first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
