I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
