Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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