I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love having hate sex.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
