walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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