I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
