shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
