And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
