We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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