I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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