Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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