I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
