My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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