i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is it penis luge time yet?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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