if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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