I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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