I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
