Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
