I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
