Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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