So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
