it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
