i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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