i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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