peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
