You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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