So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
