haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
