So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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