3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
