I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just high enough for therapy.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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