Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
