Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
