My Higher Power is John Stamos
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
