If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
