Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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