I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize